Jokes

@coquette said
A young ventriloquist was touring Sweden and, one night, he was doing a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he started going through some of his standard dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stood on her chair and started shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.

What makes you think you can stereotype Swed ...[text shortened]... terrupted and screamed: "You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little twerp sitting on your lap.

Wonderful! 🙂

My hair is turning grey now, does that make me more intelligent? 🙂

@Torunn
Undoubtedly😉
I found out something interesting.
The brain gets some of its energy from sunlight and I find myself getting smarter as time goes on because I am now mostly bald and more sun hits my head! Amazing, eh!

@sonhouse said
@Torunn
Undoubtedly😉
I found out something interesting.
The brain gets some of its energy from sunlight and I find myself getting smarter as time goes on because I am now mostly bald and more sun hits my head! Amazing, eh!

If you think that's good, try staring at the sun.

You're IQ will more than double!!

@earl-of-trumps said
How do you keep a blond in suspense?

Bungie cord.

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero."

The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week."

The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The man said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS????


A drunk man who smelled like beer, sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick,
and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.


He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked,
'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'


The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living,
being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man,
sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'


The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned, '
Then returned to his paper.


The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. 'I'm very sorry.
I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'


The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that
the Pope does.'

Father Mulcahey takes Rabi Rabinowitz to his first ever boxing match, right in the front row.

Just before the fight starts, one of the boxers gives himself the sign of the cross, which prompts Rabi Rabinowitz to ask "What does that mean, Father Mulcahey?"

Father Mulcahey responded, "Not a damn thing if he doesn't know how to box"

i caught the covid-19
but only on the tip of my ween
i know it sounds outrageous
but i am not contagious
come here and check it my ubiquitous queen

@WOLFE63

Good one😉

I tell ya what, I now teach in a tough school district. When I asked what follows the end of a sentence the class retorted "Appeal!" Then I asked who here can prove the law of gravity as one of the students tried to throw me out the window. The last straw was one of the students left an apple on my desk after class. I thought it was a nice gesture until I was walked out the door the grocer down the street got word from the student and had me arrested for theft.

Talk about vouchers, teachers need them more than the students in this school district!

I loved Rodney Dangerfield's skit on playing at a tough Italian-mafioso club.

RD: "Talk about tough! Even the hatcheck girls' name is Dominick"

LOL, I love that

An elderly chess player was studying the game at home. His much younger wife brought him a cup of tea and biscuit.

"Tell me," he asked , "if I died would you marry another chess player?"

"Yes, I think I could." she replied.

"You wouldn't give him my Ruy Lopez book collection would you?"

- "No, he only plays 1. d4."

Just the other day, Nancy was pulled over for speeding. Her limo driver was then handed a ticket by the policeman, but Nancy reached across the seat and ripped it up in front of the policeman screaming, "No!".

Then the same day she goes to confessional as her priest reminded her of the official stance by her church on abortion that it was mass genocide. Nancy then demanded to see the written policy on it and then ripped that up as well in front of the priest screaming, "No!!"

To date, Nancy's high priced lawyer has beaten the speeding charge as the policeman's family is now being targeted by the IRS, but it remains to be seen if Nancy's lawyer has contacted the Almighty and whether the IRS is investigating Him as well.