Jokes

@Ghost-of-a-Duke said
I offended the women who does the voice for the speaking clock.

Now she won't give me the time of day.

Two blondes were trying to unlock their car. The first tried, using a coat hanger, the second said, “Hurry up, it’s starting to rain and the top is down”.🤔

I remember my uncle's party trick from years ago. He could lay motionless for hours.
I remember him still.

Can someone tell Sean Bean he's either Shawn Bawn or Seen Been - he can't have it both ways!

A friend of mine recently lost three fingers in an accident.
Speaking to the consultant, he asked if he could still drive with his hand. 'Yes' said the consultant. 'But don't count on it'.

Father O'Malley takes Rabi Rabinowitz to his first ever boxing match.

Fr. O'Malley: Is everything Ok, Rabi?
Rabi Rabinowitz: Yes, I am enjoying watching the two get ready.

Suddenly, one of the boxers blesses himself with the sign of the cross, which piqued the Rabi's interest.

Rabi Rabinowitz: What does that mean, Father?
Fr. O'Malley: Not a damm thing if he doesn't know how to box!

My wife asked me "If you won the lottery would you still love me?"

"Of course I would", I replied. "I'd miss you, but I'd still love you".

Dave's wife said holiday sex was amazing.

Worst postcard he'd ever received.

@orangutan said
They told me I'd never be any good at poetry because of my dyslexia.

But I've made three jugs and a vase and I think they're just great.

Knock Knock
.. who's there?
SS
... SS who?
[slaps face] Silence dog - we are the ones asking ze questions!

When God said, “Let there be light”. Chuck Norris said, “Say please”.
😲

Chuck Norris doesn't dial wrong numbers; you pick up the wrong phone.

Chuck Norris gave an interview where he recounted a filming session with a Bengal tiger.
He recounted how the handler heard a low growling and said "OK. no sudden movements and keeping very calm, slowly back out of the cage".
Norris said to the interviewer "So ... very, very slowly ... the tiger backed out of the cage"
[true story]

My tennis playing girlfriend has packed me in for no real reason. Love? It means nothing to her.

For GBS

Stees wife looks at him and asks, “Honey, if I died, would you get remarried?”

He replies, “Eventually, I suppose. I don’t like being alone.”

She asks, “Would she live in this house?”

Stees, “It’s paid off, so yes.”

She persists, “Would she use my golf clubs?”

Stees blurts, “Heavens no. She’s left-handed.”

😳