Jokes

My mate reckons he's a compulsive liar ...

... I don't believe him.

A weasel walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “I’ve never seen a weasel before….what can I get you?”

“Pop,” goes the weasel.

I saw a one-legged man at the ATM …

Apparently he was checking his balance.

The husband was away on business and his wife wanted to surprise him by buying a new wardrobe from IKEA. She had it delivered together with the indispensable instruction manual. It was a big piece of furniture, and she was quite pleased after a good job, her husband being expected the same evening. One problem though - every time the bus passed in the street, their was a squeaky noise from the back of the wardrobe, and so she called for help from a service guy. The man came, couldn't find an immediate reason for the noise and when inspecting the inside, the husband suddenly arrived home. Surprised he opened the door to the wardrobe, and faced a guy inside.
- What on earth are you doing there?!
- Believe it or not, I'm waiting for the bus.

@Torunn said
The husband was away on business and his wife wanted to surprise him by buying a new wardrobe from IKEA. She had it delivered together with the indispensable instruction manual. It was a big piece of furniture, and she was quite pleased after a good job, her husband being expected the same evening. One problem though - every time the bus passed in the street, their was a squea ...[text shortened]... a guy inside.
- What on earth are you doing there?!
- Believe it or not, I'm waiting for the bus.

@Torunn said
It is funnier in Swedish. 🙂

To the person who stole my glasses -

... I can still drink from the bottle!

@orangutan
To the same person who also stole my glasses...
Watch out....I have my contacts.

My son said his ears hurt.
So I asked him "On the inside, or the outside?"

He just walked away from me and out the front door.
A minute later he came back in and said "Both".

To the person who stole my anti depressants.
I hope your happy now.

My wife accidentally put my epilepsy medication through the wash. Now, my clothes don't fit.

I don't do Jewish jokes; I Passover them.

Q: How do you measure people’s reaction to a pun?
A: With a sighsmograph.

automotive chat room

person 1 - can a bad altarnator cause cause the catholic converter to go bad?

person 2 - i will personally pay for your vasectomy

A drummer friend of mine has recently fathered twin girls. He named them Anna One and Anna Two.