Jokes

whats the difference between an intelligent American and a unicorn
nothing ....they are both fictional

why wasn't jesus born in America
because they couldn't find 3 wise men & a virgin

Originally posted by @badradger
whats the difference between an intelligent American and a unicorn
nothing ....they are both fictional

NOW...Look what you did, you're going to have all the Americans P*ssed off at you! 😉

-VR

What happens when you sing Country songs backwards
you get your dog,job & wife back

No self-respect for the elderly. I tell ya...I get no self-respect.
- The other morning, the big newspaper wasn't at my door...so I missed going to Mass.
- Last week, the mall escalator lost power when I was half-way...I was trapped for an hour!
- Since retirement, everything's really been clicking for me...my knees, my elbows and my neck.
- I guess the other day was my birthday because my wife got me another SUV...socks, underwear and Viagra.

No self-respect I'm telling ya...no self-respect!

- Recently, while shopping for a friend in a retirement community, my wife and I became separated. "Excuse me," I asked the clerk. "I'm looking for my wife. She has white hair and is wearing white shoes."
Gesturing around the store, the clerk responded, "Take your pick."

No self respect!

Originally posted by @wolfe63
No self-respect for the elderly. I tell ya...I get no self-respect.
- The other morning, the big newspaper wasn't at my door...so I missed going to Mass.
- Last week, the mall escalator lost power when I was half-way...I was trapped for an hour!
- Since retirement, everything's really been clicking for me...my knees, my elbows and my neck.
- I guess th ...[text shortened]... shoes."
Gesturing around the store, the clerk responded, "Take your pick."

No self respect!

LOL...Hey don't kid yourself the Viagra was more for her than you! 😉

-VR

So Adam and God were talking in the Garden of Eden, as Adam tells God that he is lonely.

Adam: It sure would be nice to have a companion. I'm getting kind of lonely round here.

God: Well what kind of a companion do you want?

Adam: How bout one that loves me unconditionally and will not ever question me and waits on me to fulfill my every desire?

God: Ok, but it will cost you. In fact, that will cost you an arm and a leg.

Adam:: No thanks...............say, what will you give me for just a rib?

Originally posted by @very-rusty
NOW...Look what you did, you're going to have all the Americans P*ssed off at you! 😉

-VR

Wrong!

The only pissy ones are European, hence the name

A woman I know just graduated from her sex education college, Yep, she graduated Come louder!

DOCTOR,,its quite normal to get an erection during an anal examination
PATIENT,, but I aint got an erection doctor
DOCTOR ,,I know but I have

Originally posted by @badradger
DOCTOR,,its quite normal to get an erection during an anal examination
PATIENT,, but I aint got an erection doctor
DOCTOR ,,I know but I have

My dad used to say if you get such an exam, make sure he has only one hand on your back....

Originally posted by @sonhouse
My dad used to say if you get such an exam, make sure he has only one hand on your back....

lol

A farmer had 5 female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned 5 male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.

The farmers lived 60 miles apart, so they decided to drive 30 miles each morning and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.

The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 a.m., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon (the only vehicle he had) and drove the 30 miles.

While the pigs were in the field mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?"

The other farmer replied, "If they're lying in the grass tomorrow morning, they'll be pregnant. If they're lying in the mud, they're not."

The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again.

This continued each morning for more than a week and the farmers were worn out.

The next morning, one was too tired to even get out of bed. So he called out to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."

"Neither," yelled his wife, "They're in the station wagon. And one of them is honking the horn."

Originally posted by @whodey
A farmer had 5 female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned 5 male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.

The farmers lived 60 miles apart, so they decided to drive 30 miles each morning and find a field in which to let ...[text shortened]... "Neither," yelled his wife, "They're in the station wagon. And one of them is honking the horn."

These aliens who just landed in San Antonio and asked for some land are something! They say it takes 4 different kind to be able to reproduce! I hear some of them write songs and the last one goes like this:

All my sexes live in Texas. Has a certain ring to it doesn't it!

paddy says to mick....I just saw your car get stolen.
mick says to paddy...did you get a good look at the driver
paddy says ..sorry mick.. but I did get the registration.