Jokes

A new development in theme park rides:

Now made of plastic.

Yes folks, we now have the Non ferrous wheel.

Originally posted by @sonhouse
A new development in theme park rides:

Now made of plastic.

Yes folks, we now have the Non ferrous wheel.

The densest element in the universe has been found!

Pelosium:

A major research institution has just announced this discovery of the densest element yet known to science. The new element has been named Pelosium. Pelosium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 223 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 311.

These particles are held together by dense forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

The symbol for Pelosium is PU, and for good reason. The stench is unbearable.

Pelosium mass actually increases over time as morons randomly interact with various elements in the atmosphere and become assistant deputy neutrons within the Pelosium molecule, leading to the formation of isodopes.

This characterization of moron-promotion leads some scientists to believe that Pelosium is formed whenever morons reach a certain density of voting concentration.

Originally posted by @whodey
The densest element in the universe has been found!

Pelosium:

A major research institution has just announced this discovery of the densest element yet known to science. The new element has been named Pelosium. Pelosium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 223 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 311.

The ...[text shortened]... believe that Pelosium is formed whenever morons reach a certain density of voting concentration.

A certain comedian and a celebrity space man just had a kid, its name:

Whodey Allen! Happy birthday!

Romaine calm, I'll have more vegetable jokes at a later thyme.

Originally posted by @xyyz
Romaine calm, I'll have more vegetable jokes at a later thyme.

Lettuce get on with it then. Just don't cherry pick the dictionary for it, you will be collard if you do. For this you won't EVER get the yolk.

Two freinds meet:
- My wife threatened to leave me if I go to the chess tournament on Friday.
- What will you do?
- e4 as always.

The Snow(man)

8:00 am - I made a snowman.
8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.
8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.
8:17 - My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.
8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead.
8:22 - The transgender ma..wom...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.
8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.
8:28 - I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white.
8:31 - The Muslim gent across the road demands the snow woman wear a burqa.
8:40 - The Police arrive saying someone has been offended.
8:42 - The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needs to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.
8:43 - The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.
8:45 TV news crew from the ABC shows up. I am asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I reply, "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.
9:00 - I'm on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobic sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.
9:10 - I am asked if I have any accomplices. My children are taken by social services.
9:29 - Far left protesters offended by everything are marching down the street demanding for me to be beheaded.

Maybe not a joke...but the world we currently live in.

Last year, I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double pane energy efficient kind. But this week, I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work had been completed a whole year and I had yet to pay for them.

Boy, oh boy, did we go around! Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told me last year. He said that in one year, the windows would pay for themselves. There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just hung up, and he hasn't called back. Guess he was embarrassed.

@very-rusty said
Last year, I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double pane energy efficient kind. But this week, I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work had been completed a whole year and I had yet to pay for them.

Boy, oh boy, did we go around! Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him j ...[text shortened]... n the other end of the line, so I just hung up, and he hasn't called back. Guess he was embarrassed.

In my youth I was blond...I don't get it.

@great-big-stees said
In my youth I was blond...I don't get it.

Don't sweat it old friend, it is just a joke, I was never a blonde but you have to get the joke!

In a year the windows paid for themselves according to the salesman!

A beggar went to the bar and begged for food, but the food was not good
GamesBx

@gamesbx said
A beggar went to the bar and begged for food, but the food was not good
GamesBx

We don't get it...

Why did the can crusher quit his job?
- Because it was soda pressing.

An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs, at different levels.
The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.
- The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but azzholes.

KFC has a Taylor Swift special for only $8.95

Two bony thighs, two small breasts, and a left wing.