Jokes

With all this talk about how Saudi Arabia murders innocent journalists, I won't beheading there any time soon.

Last week my mother-in-law fell into a wishing well. I can't believe it finally worked.

My insurance company told me that most car accidents happen within 25 miles of my home, so I moved!

A husband asked his wife, "If I should die first, would you marry again?"

"I would be heart-broken, of course," was her reply, "but I think eventually I would remarry."

"But you wouldn't bring him here to our house, would you?"

"Why not? I've worked and slaved to make this house a home. There is no reason to abandon it."

"But you wouldn't sleep in our bed?"

"Well, I wouldn't run out and buy a new bed right away."

"Surely, you wouldn't let him use my golf clubs?"

"Of course not! He's left-handed!"

Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into a path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money," he demanded.

Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this! I am a United States congressman!"

"In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."

CREATING A PASSWORD

cabbage

- sorry the password must be more than 8 characters

boiled cabbage

-sorry the password must contain 1 numerical character

1 boiled cabbage

-sorry the password cannot have blank spaces

50freakingboiledcabbages

-sorry the password must contain at least one upper character

50freakingcabbagesshovedupyourarseifyoudontgivemeacessimmediatly!

-sorry the password cannot contain punctuation

50freakingcabbagesshovedupyourarseifyoudontgivemeaccessimmediatlyyoumoronictwit

-sorry that password has already been taken

@whodey
Sex workers are forming their own association, they are calling it the
ho moaners association.......

Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows?
- They’re making headlines.

Why aren’t koalas classified as bears?
- Because they don’t meet the "koalafications".

A man is walking in the desert with his horse and dog when suddenly his dog exclaims “I can’t do this; I need water!” The startled man replies “Hey, I didn’t know that dogs could talk.”
- The horse says “Me neither.”

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his pants and a peg-leg. The bartender says, “Hey, you’ve got a steering wheel on your pants!”
- The pirate says, “Arrrrrr, I know: It’s driving me nuts.”

A chicken pie costs £2.00 in Jamaica
A chicken pie costs £2.40 in Trinidad
A chicken pie costs £2.20 in St Kitts

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean

What do you call an atheist who hates Christmas?













































Clausterphobic.

Tired of all the social commitments this Christmas? Do you have too many gifts to buy, too many parties to attend?

Just start posting political things on your Facebook account. Soon you will know what Christmas peace is all about.

Q: What do you call a snowman with a six pack?

A: An abdominal snowman

My Thai girlfriend says a small penis shouldn't be a problem in a loving relationship.
But I still wish she didn't have one.

What did the Buddhist ask the hot dog vendor?
- Make me one with everything.

What is red and smells like blue paint?
- Red paint.

My grandfather died peacefully, in his sleep…
…not screaming like the passengers in his car.

@WOLFE63

Who says Facebook is a PC hell on earth that hates Christianity and the holiday season?

In fact, I down loaded some great songs for the holiday season from Facebook. Here are but a few.

1. I'll be home for a short period of time in December
2. I saw mommy greeting Santa Clause with a purely platonic expression of inoffensive mutual affection.
3. Hark! The herald mythical winged creature sings!
4. Deck the halls with boughs of un-endangered foliage (if office policy permits)
5. Grandma allegedly got run over by an unidentified, non-human, Hitler-like, Trump supporter.
6. Higher power rest ye Merry gentlemen
7. Chestnuts roasting over a safely covered, non-carbon emitting, continuously monitored, eco-friendly, non-toxic fire.
8. Frosty the Snowperson
9. Have yourself a Merry little winter solstice.
10. Ho Holiday Tree!