Jokes

So this rancher has his buddy visit him as they strike up a conversation.

Friend: "Mind if I talk to your dog?"

Rancher: "Talk to my dog? You talk to dogs?"

Friend: "Sure do, don't believe me?"

Rancher: "Ok, go talk to my dog"

Friend: "Is he treating you OK?"

Dog: "Sure, he feeds me and takes me on walks.

Rancher: "Unbelievable! Why does he never talk to me?"

Friend: "Maybe you should try talking to him". "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Rancher: "This is pure insanity! OK, go talk to my horse"

Friend: "Is he treating you OK?

Horse: "Sure, he feeds me, grooms me, and treats me like a king"

Rancher: "I must be dreaming! Incidentally, don't go near the sheep. They are all a bunch of liars!"

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!".

How politics works:

I told my son, "You will marry the girl I choose for you.”

He said, "No.”

I told him, "She is Bill Gates' daughter.”

He said, "Yes!"

I called Bill Gates and said, "I want your daughter to marry my son."

Bill Gates said, "No."

I told Bill Gates, "My son is the CEO of the World Bank.”

Bill Gates said, "Yes!"

I called the board of the World Bank and said I wanted them to make my son the CEO. They said, "No."

I told them, "My son is Bill Gates' son-in-law."

They said, "Yes!"

That's politics.

A woman tells her doctor that she's worried about her husband losing his temper.

The Doctor: "What's the problem?
The Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."
Doc: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down.”

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

TW: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"
Doc: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick".

@whodey said
A woman tells her doctor that she's worried about her husband losing his temper.

The Doctor: "What's the problem?
The Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."
Doc: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your ...[text shortened]... do that?"
Doc: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick".

@wolfgang59 said
In a similar vein ...
Why don't you put big fat ski mittens on when you sit at your computer?

Make us all happier.

@wolfgang59

If yon want happiness, just turn on CNN and listen to the newest Trump conspiracy while smoking some weed.

Warning: Listening to the conspiracy theories without smoking weed may lead to disbelief and unhappiness.

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one-question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.
The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk, and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."
Fingers flew, erasers erased, and notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class, however, was up and finished in less than a minute.

Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an "A" when he had barely written anything at all. His answer consisted of two words:

"What chair?"

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local Shopping centre:

Dear Mrs. Harris:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.

We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.

Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time; and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.

August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.

October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.

October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;

'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?

And last, but not least:

October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

@the-gravedigger said
You don't speak for us all wolfy.

@wolfgang59

What he said.

@the-gravedigger said
You don't speak for us all wolfy.

have you ever noticed,

when you pee indoors, the object is to aim squarely and hit the target exactly???
but,
when you pee outdoors yer supposed to miss everything???

@whodey

@whodey said
@wolfgang59

If yon want happiness, just turn on CNN and listen to the newest Trump conspiracy while smoking some weed.

Warning: Listening to the conspiracy theories without smoking weed may lead to disbelief and unhappiness.