Jokes

I always prefer the English spelling of ‘diarrhea’ which is ‘diarrhoea’ because it really looks like you’ve lost control of your vowels.

A man at a wedding reception gets up and go for his fourth helping of
lovely pudding and icecream.
His wife, "what are you doing! You're embarrassing yourself!"
Him, "not really, I tell them its for you."

One time at a rent party my band was putting on, in the middle of my guitar solo I noticed a dude that was the spittin image of Jimmy Page. After we finished our set he walked up to me and we started talking.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you look like Jimmy Page?
Jimmy: Yeah mate, I get that all the time, good thing I'm Jimmy Page.
I looked at him like, yeah rrrright.
With a smile he showed me his passport, sure enough! It was HIM!!
Jimmy: Can I see your guitar for a minute?
Me: (thrilled he wanted to see my guitar. It was a vintage Les Paul copy by Lotus) Sure thing here Jimmy!
Page takes the guitar, plays a few notes, some chords, some licks and riffs. Then he hands it back to me.
Jimmy: Nope, it's not the guitar.

@gambrel said
One time at a rent party my band was putting on, in the middle of my guitar solo I noticed a dude that was the spittin image of Jimmy Page. After we finished our set he walked up to me and we started talking.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you look like Jimmy Page?
Jimmy: Yeah mate, I get that all the time, good thing I'm Jimmy Page.
I looked at him like, yeah rrrright.
Wi ...[text shortened]... , some chords, some licks and riffs. Then he hands it back to me.
Jimmy: Nope, it's not the guitar.

That went down like a led balloon.

@the-gravedigger said
That went down like a led balloon.

I think I will write a book on lamps, it should be a bright idea.

@ponderable said
I think I will write a book on lamps, it should be a bright idea.

Just a little light reading, eh?

@moonbus said
Just a little light reading, eh?

Once he gets onto tungsten bulbs ... he'll be in his element.

@orangutan said
Once he gets onto tungsten bulbs ... he'll be in his element.

That'll go over like an L.E.D. zeppelin.

Why do nuns get naked when they wash their clothes??

Just out of habit.

anymore, i don't usually roll a joint
but when i do, it's always an ankle

Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.

Don't hold your farts.
It travels up your spine, and into your brain.
Thats where shytey ideas come from...

@pawnpaw said
Don't hold your farts.
It travels up your spine, and into your brain.
Thats where shytey ideas come from...

Why doesn't a skeleton fart in public?

It doesn't has the guts.

Parallel lines hooked up on a dating app but unfortunately weren’t able to meet.😲😢😁

What do you call an American parallelogram?


A parallelo-ounce