Jokes

@orangutan said
I worry that you know the answer from actual experiment ....

I've just been outside admiring my roof.

It's maybe not the very best roof there is, but it's up there.

Boris Spassky was once asked by a reporter, “Which do you prefer: chess or sex?”.
Spassky replied “It very much depends on the position”.

@Earl-of-Trumps said
Boris Spassky was once asked by a reporter, “Which do you prefer: chess or sex?”.
Spassky replied “It very much depends on the position”.

@Torunn said
Teacher: Charlie, imagine you have ten pieces of chocolate and will share half of them with your kid brother - how many will he have?
Charlie: Three
Teacher: Charlie, can't you count?
Charlie: Yes, but my brother can't.

@orangutan said
Teacher then says to Charlie - "If you have ten apples in your left hand, and twelve apples in your right hand - what have you got?"
Charlie - "Big hands!"

The post that was quoted here has been removed

@orangutan said
Then teacher says to the class - "In English, a double-negative is actually a positive - but a double positive is never a negative."
Charlie - "Yeah, right!".

I had some beef stew with dumplings last night. My girlfriend just hates it whenever I call her that.

@Earl-of-Trumps
Good one.

I have the attention of a goldfish. Seriously, it's been watching me for hours.

How does NASA organize a party?
They planet.

I'm having a new rubber front door fitted today. You can't knock it.