Jokes

My new puppy has swallowed a whole bag of Scrabble letters. I've taken him to the vets, but no word yet.

I had a happy childhood. My dad used to put us in tyres and roll us down hills.

Those were Goodyears.

When should you buy a bird?
When it’s going cheep.😲

I ordered a book on the internet, titled 'How to have absolutely nothing to do with your neighbours'.
Unfortunately, I was out when it was delivered.

i was a good guy today
i gave up my seat on the bus for an elderly woman
pssssh
all she did was whine, moan, and complain
and i'm the one that lost his job as bus driver

dear pharmacy,
please stop putting the diarrhea medication on the bottom shelf

thanks

My wife still hasn't told me what my New Year's resolutions are.

"I'll never forget the first time I had sex.
There I was,,, nervous, scared, and all alone." - Dangerfield

I thought I'd purchase some sexy undergarments for my missus this Christmas.
I held a pair of knickers/panties up and asked the assistant 'Are these satin?'

She replied... 'No, they're new.'

Classics was my Achilles Elbow in school.

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Control Freak.
Con…
Okay, now you say, “Control Freak who?”

@Ghost-of-a-Duke said
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Control Freak.
Con…
Okay, now you say, “Control Freak who?”

An old man passes by a newsstand on his way to the subway every morning.
The man in the booth notices him glance at the headline for a moment, before he grunts, shakes his head, and shuffles off.
He does this every morning, for months.
One slow morning, the vendor musters up the nerve to confront his would-be patron.
“Hey old man!”, he says, “have you ever thought about actually buying the paper?”
“I only read the obituaries,” the old man replies.
“The obits? Those are never on the front page.”

The old man answers, “This one will be.”

maga concert tour
nicki minaj, kid rock, billy ray cyrus
woohoo!
gonna call it minaj au twats