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Jokes

Jokes

General


Barista: “order for Cathy Lou …”

Cthulhu: “[sighs] … guess that’s me”


Why do irons have settings for “permanent” press? 🤔


I thought I'd uncovered a mass grave of snowmen 😟.
Thankfully, a passer-by informed me that it was probably just a field of carrots. Phew. 😊


Dangerfield:

I worked an Italian club the other day, and boy, was that tough.
It was so tough even the hat-check girl's name was Dominic


Asked the guy on the airplane if he'd switch seats since I was flying with my family.
He refused.
So I had to sit with my family.


A propeller is a fan to keep the pilot cool.

When it stops, the pilot starts sweating.


Why do Americans serve their beer so cold?

So they won't confuse it with p!ss


Q: How did the Mansplainer die in a puddle??
A: It was a well, actually…


I wanted to check out a Fun House run by some community organizers, but the entrance fee was on a sliding scale.

Vote Up
Vote Down


A businessman was interviewing applicants for the position of manager of a large division...
He quickly devised a test for choosing the most suitable candidate. He simply asked each applicant this question, "What is two plus two?"

The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was, "Twenty-two".

The second was a social worker. She said, "I don't know the answer but I'm very glad that we had the opportunity to discuss it."

The third applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a slide rule and came up with an answer "somewhere between 3.999 and 4.001."

Next came an attorney. He stated that "in the case of Jenkins vs. the Department of the Treasury, two plus two was proven to be four."

Finally, the businessman interviewed an accountant. When he asked him what two plus two was, the accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door, closed it, came back and sat down. Leaning across the desk, he said in a low voice, "How much do you want it to be?"


A message to the one-legged thief who stole my camouflage jacket... you can hide, but you can't run.


I accidentally played ‘dad’ instead of ‘dead’ when the bear attacked. Now it can ride a bike without stabilizers.

3 edits

@Ghost-of-a-Duke
Superb.


Dad are we pyromaniacs?
Yes we arson.