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Steve Jobs would've been a better president than Trump…
...but I guess comparing apples to oranges is unfair.

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the officer arrested me and charged me with possession of marijuana
i told him over and over
but sir! i have joint custody!

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I got up today like a pig's tail, twirly.



I know, I know, it sucks lol

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I found a penguin in the street yesterday,
I asked a policeman what I should do - he said "Take it to the zoo".
Later that day, bumped into the the same policeman and he started shouting at me "What are you doing? I told you to take that penguin to the zoo!"
I said "Yeah, we did that. Now we're off to the cinema".

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A sheep walks into a Boston Bar. The bartender says, “Welcome to my baa”.

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how to cook crack and clean a crab
1. use commas

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The post that was quoted here has been removed
I wanted to start an anarchists club, but we never got around to choosing a leader.

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Can you believe it?
My wife said she'd divorce me when I said I was tempted to give our new born baby daughter a silly name.

Well, I called her Bluff.

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What do you call a fish without an eye?


A fsh.

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What did the right eye say to the left?

There is something between us that smells

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My local bookshop currently has a third off all titles. I've recently purchased a nice copy of 'The Lion, the Witch and'