Jokes

CONSULTING

Cuz if you are not part of the solution, odds are there is a lot of money to prolong the problem.

Economist

Murphy applied for a fork lift operator post at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin.
A Norwegian applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test and led to a quiet room with no interruptions by the Manager.
When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.
The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we've decided to give the Norwegian the job.
Murphy,... "And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job.
Manager, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong.
Murphy, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?
Manager "Simple; on question number 7 the Norwegian wrote down, 'I don't know.
You put down, 'Neither do I. "

What is the difference between Hillary and Putin?



Putin can win an election rigged in his favor.

This is about a man who drank too much.
His wife said 'If you ever come home drunk again, I will leave you.'
Then he went to the pub, drank too much, and threw up all over himself.
He said to his friend 'I can't go home, my wife will leave me'.
His friend said 'This is what to do - go home and tell your wife that someone else threw up over you. Put a twenty pound note in your inside jacket pocket and tell her that the man gave you it to cover the dry cleaning bill'.
So he went home. His wife said 'That's it!'
'No no no no' he said, 'Someone threw up all over me and gave me this twenty pound note for the cleaning bill'.
'So why do you have two twenty pound notes in your hand?' asks his wife.
'Ah, that one's from the other man who shat in my pants'

Originally posted by @ponderable
Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?

Because we drive in parkways and park in driveways?

So some parents sat their child down and said, "Son, we have something important to tell you, you've been adopted"

The boy answered, "I knew it, so who are my biological parents?"

The parents answered, "We are your biological parents. Pack you bags, your new parents will be picking you up in a few hours."

Originally posted by @whodey
So some parents sat their child down and said, "Son, we have something important to tell you, you've been adopted"

The boy answered, "I knew it, so who are my biological parents?"

The parents answered, "We are your biological parents. Pack you bags, your new parents will be picking you up in a few hours."

What were your new parents like?

On the chest of a barmaid at Yale
Were tattooed the prices of ale
And on her behind
For the sake of the blind
Was the same information in braille

The Retired Doctor

An old physician, Doctor Gordon Geezer of Nags Head, NC, became very bored in retirement and decided to re-open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500 - if not cured, get back $1,000."
Doctor Digger Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.
Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?"
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."
Dr. Young: 'Aaagh! -- This is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."
Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.
Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't -- that is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."
Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!"
Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, "Here's your $1000 back" (giving him a $10 bill).
Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

Originally posted by @whodey
What is the difference between Hillary and Putin?



Putin can win an election rigged in his favor.

However, the fact remains that Trump can win an election rigged in his favor, just like Putin.

Your joke isn't funny in the slightest, because it is a lie. Minority voters (who largely vote Democrat) were thrown off the voter rolls in the swing states, within 30 days of the election so that they couldn't re-register, even if they somehow found out before they went to vote. The election was never in Hillary's favor because of this.

Originally posted by @great-big-stees
The Retired Doctor

An old physician, Doctor Gordon Geezer of Nags Head, NC, became very bored in retirement and decided to re-open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500 - if not cured, get back $1,000."
Doctor Digger Young, who was positive that this old g ...[text shortened]... his is only $10!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

One of the best jokes I've heard in 2018.

Originally posted by @whodey
What is the difference between Hillary and Putin?



Putin can win an election rigged in his favor.

Electoral college.

But I admit, that was pretty funny.

Originally posted by @great-big-stees
The Retired Doctor

An old physician, Doctor Gordon Geezer of Nags Head, NC, became very bored in retirement and decided to re-open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500 - if not cured, get back $1,000."
Doctor Digger Young, who was positive that this old g ...[text shortened]... his is only $10!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

Nice.