Jokes

A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Montana and talks with an old rancher.

He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The old rancher says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes, saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the farmer. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"

The old rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life, chased close behind by the rancher's prize bull. With every step, the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get "horned" before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified.

The old rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence, and yells at the top of his lungs, "Your badge! Show him your badge!"

What do you call a Chinese lady with one leg longer than the other?

Irene.

Originally posted by @mammy-blue
A blonde man is in the bathroom, and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"
He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've
already wet mine..."

That's not even funny.

I have the same problem. 😠

A local priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.

A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed debating the "bail-out packages," so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had also stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his best friend's wife, and taken illicit drugs. I was appalled.

"But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies for being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and said: "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived. In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession."

Moral: Never, never, NEVER-EVER be late.

Originally posted by @whodey
That's not even funny.

I have the same problem. 😠

You still have hair? Count your blessings. I don't need shampoo anymore (I know, know, count my blessings).

Two blonde men find three handgrenades, and decided they'll take it to the police station to hand in.
One asked:"What if one explodes before we get there?"
The other one said: "Don't worry, we'll lie and say we only found two."

Originally posted by @moonbus
You still have hair? Count your blessings. I don't need shampoo anymore (I know, know, count my blessings).

Same here. See, a little known fact: The brain is partially solar powered and people with hair, that blocks the sunlight........

Granny and her grandson is loitering in the shop, looking at all the displays.
Then she said: "Diploma, bring the sugar and put down the sweets."
The cashier overheard, and asks:" Is that really his name?"
Granny looks at her, and says:"Yes, it is."
Cashier says," But why?"
Granny:"I sent my daughter to college, and thats what she brought back with her!"

Originally posted by @moonbus
You still have hair? Count your blessings. I don't need shampoo anymore (I know, know, count my blessings).

Hence the name moonbus?

Wife: Honey, the faucet in the bathroom leaks. Would you take care of it?

Husband: Huh? I'm not a plumber. Get someone else to do it.

Three days later…

Wife: Honey, the tv's on the blink. Would you take care of it?

Husband: Huh? I'm not an electrcician. Get someone else to do it.

Three days later…

Wife: Honey, the car wouldn't start this morning. Would you take care of it?

Husband: Huh? I'm not a mechanic. Get someone else to do it.

Three days later…

Husband: Say, I noticed you drove the car again. And the tv works. And the faucet stopped dripping.

Wife: Yup, the guy next door fixed all those things.

Husband: Gee, that was nice of him. What did you pay him?

Wife: Nothing.

Husband: Nothing?

Wife: Well, I told him I'd either bake him a cake, or go to bed with him.

Husband: I see, and what sort of cake did you bake him?

Wife: Huh? I'm not a confectioner.

A woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary hospital. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the Vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Polly has passed
away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room returning a few moments later with beautiful black Labrador. As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the dead parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet led the dog out but returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up and also sniffed delicately at the ex-bird. The cat sat back, shook its head, meowed and ran out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry; but like I said, your parrot is most definitely, 100% certifiably ...dead."

He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried. "$150 just to tell me my bird is dead?!"

The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would only have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, what did you expect?"

The blonde from somewhere has two dogs, called Rolex and Seiko.
Asks the neighbour, " what odd names, why for?"
Blonde:" Duh, they're WATCHDOGS, ok?"

What do you call a belt made out of a watch? ...

a waist of time

What's Meghan Markle's favourite kind of biscuit?

Ginger nuts.

I heard Stormy Daniels is doing her first dramatic role, her latest movie is called
"the Loins in Winter"