Bart gets some kind of custom kit for his bike to make it sound like a motorcycle. Wigum hears the bike and thinks it is a bike gang...
"Sounds like a biker gang, and we have no backup. Beter lay low!" He puts a pizza delivery sign on top of the car.
The other cop says "But what if they want pizza?"
Wigum: "All taken care of..." (puts a Domino's sign on the door.)
P-
Last night's episode was FREAKIN HILLARIOUS! 😀
Here's proof:
Lisa: "Just because Maggie can't talk doesn't mean she's dumb!"
Homer (reading the bumper sticker): "If you can read this, you are almost as smart as my baby. HAHAHAHA! This one's going right over 'support our troops'!"
It was the 13th hour of the 13th day of the 13th month and there was a meeting called in the school about a misprint on the calendar.
Homer takes a look at the calendar: lousy smarch weather.
Then he reads a note on the temperature regulator (I forgot the English word for it) which says: do not touch, Willy. Homer reads aloud: do not touch Willy, that's good advice. Then he turns the heat up and Willy lights on fire.
At gun rally:
Lou "And that's how, with a few modifications, you can turn 1 gun into 5 guns!"
Round of applause as Moe takes the stage,
Moe "So anyway, I was locking up the bar the other night when this punk burst in and demanded all of the money!" Pause as people gasp at the story, "Luckily, I managed to shoot him in the spine. He better make sure the next place he robs has a ramp!" Rapturous applause.
Burns: "My slurry plant made 120 million dollars. And as partner, you're entitled to ten percent."
Lisa: "Oh, but I can't accept that money, knowing where it came from. Can I? Mom?"
Marge: "Oh, Lisa. You just do whatever your conscience tells you."
Lisa: "Oh... (tears the check up)"
Homer: (drops to the floor unconcious)...
Lisa: "I'm sorry I gave up that money, Dad."
Homer: "That's OK. But we really could've used that twelve thousand dollars."
Lisa: "Um, Dad? Ten percent of 120 million isn't 12 thousand. Its..."
Hospital Intercom: "Code Blue, Code Blue!"
Homer: "Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use."
Marge: "Homer, the Lord only asks for an hour a week."
Homer: "Well in that case he should've made the week an hour longer. [mumbles] Lousy God."
I'm not a Christian, but I love obscure Bible jokes:
Ned: "You know, reverend, after all the terrible things that have happened to me, I kind of feel like Jobe."
Reverend Lovejoy: "Aren't you being a tad melodramatic, there, Ned? Also, I believe Jobe was Right-handed."
Ned: "Is the Lord punishing me Reverend?"
Lovejoy: "Oooh, short answer, 'No' with a 'but,' long answer, 'Yes' with an 'if.' If you need further council, I have a copy of... something or other... by Art Linkletter in my office."
from another episode:
Lovejoy (reading from the Bible): "And the Lord said, 'whack ye all creatures who slither on their bellies.' So, you see, Lisa, even The Bible approves of Whacking Day."
Lisa: "Let me see that."
Lovejoy: "Umm... no."
from another episode:
Ned: "Ah, how about a little break-a-roonie, huh? Anybody want a cold draft beer?"
Homer: "Beer?"
Marge: "Would you like a tall, frosty one, Homer?"
Homer: "Huh?"
Lovejoy: "Go ahead Homer; our commandments clearly state that beer is alright."
And one more for today:
Homer: "Honey, the Bibe says, 'thou... shalt not... horn in on... thy.. husbands... umm... racket.'"
Marge: "Where does it say that?"
Homer: "Aaah... somewhere in the back."
But my absolute favorites are psychiatrist jokes:
Homer: "I thought Marge was my soul mate, but now I'm not so sure. What sould I do?"
Guy: "This really goes beyond the realm of my training as a couch salesman. Now, If you're not going to buy a couch, I suggest you leave."
Dr. White, Psychiatrist: "I'd like to talk about your father."
Marge: "My... father? Sure, I'll talk about father. Father Christmas. You know, In England they... [I forget what she says here]... They drive on the left side of the road in England. Now that's crazy! You know what, I'm cured. Goodbye."
Dr. White: "Sit down, Marge. Now, this may not be the best time to bring this up, but your husband's last check bounced."
Marge: "Wait, I think I'm remembering something now..."
Dr. White: "Yes, Marge, but there's still the matter of--"
Marge: "I was a little girl..."
And one more for today:
psychiatrist 1: "Homer, Ned has been having trouble releasing his anger. We need someone who is so annoying that he cannot contain himself. Homer, can you be that annoying?"
Homer: (pops a bubble on the psychiatrist's face) "I-- what?"
psychiatrist 1: "Get in the booth. Level one."
Homer (reading from the card): "Ned Flanders. I mock your value system. You also appear foolish in the eyes of others."
Ned: "Oh, Hi Homer. Thanks for dropping by."
psychiatrist 1: "Proceed to level two antagonism."
Homer (reading): "Past instinces in which I professed to like you were fraudulent!"
Ned: "Well, I guess I'll just have to try harder. Oh, thanks for dropping by."
psychiatrist 1: "He's not responding. Proceed to maximum antagonization."
Homer (reading): "I engaged in sexual intercourse with your spouse or significant other. (to psychiatrists) Now THAT'S psychiatry!"
Ned: "Oh, Homer, you joker."
Homer: "You see, you can't insult this guy. You call him a moron and he just sits there grinning moronly."
................
Ned: "...You might even say, I hate the post office. That and my parents. Lousy Beatnicks."
psychiatrist 1: "Did you hear that? He just said he hates his parents. Do you know what that means?"
psychiatrist 2: "Umm... what do you think it means?"
psychiatrist 1: "It means he's cured!"
psychiatrist 2: "That's what I said."
Homer: “Ow. Where did I lose ‘em? I’ll never wiggle my bare butt in public again.”
Lisa: “I’d like to believe that this time. I really would.”
Marge: “Bart, run down to the store and get a big bag of ice for your father.”
Bart: “Yes-um. Dad, I know you’re discouraged, but please don’t deny the world your fat can.”
Homer: “Don’t worry, boy. She’ll be ready for your Aunt Selma’s birthday.”
Lisa: “I knew it.”
Mr. Burns: (groans)
Mr. Smithers: “Look at all the wonderful things you have, Mr. Burns; King Arthur’s Excalibur, the only existing nude photo of Mark Twain, and that rare first draft of the Constitution with the word ‘suckers’ in it.”