The Simpsons

Kent Brockman: "In business news, 3M and M&M have merged to form.. get this.. Ultradyne Systems. And speaking of news stories, here's another...
(Lisa's picture appears with WORD NERD written below it) Springfield's spelling phenom Lisa Simpson has qualified for spelling's answer to the Olympics, the Spellympics.
In a related story, the Spellympics is being sued by the Olympics for use of the suffix lympics. (Parody of suit for five rings; five rings appears on picture on screen with vowels within the rings (tosses papers aside)
This has got to be the slowest news day *ever*. (handed a news bulletin) Ah, that's better.
Paris is no more. The legendary city of lights has been extinguished forever as a massive..."
(At that point, Marge was so bored she turned off the television, without objection from anyone else.)

Bart: "Laddie isn't coming. I... gave him away."
Homer (angry): "You gave both dogs away?! You know how I feel about giving!"
Bart (crying): "I know I secrewed up. I gave both dogs away and now I don't have any dogs at all!"
Homer: "Well, crying isn't gunna bring him back. Unless your tears smell like dog food. So you can either sit there crying and eating can after can of dog food until your tears smell enough like dog food to make your dog come back, or you can get out there and find your dog."
Bart: "You're right! I'll do it (leaves)."
Homer: "Rats! I almost had him eatin' dog food."

Mel Gibson to the crowd: Hi everybody!
Then after some silence, Dr. Nick says: Hi, mister Gibson.

Bart: "I don't need Millhouse; I've got plenty of other friends."
(doorbell rings)
Bart: "There's one now."
Lisa: "Who is it? Ralph?!"
Bart (rolls eyes): "It is NOT Ralph."
Ralph: "Hi, Bart! My nose has its own bubble gum (proceeds to blow a snot bubble)" 😵

Here's another quote from my favorite episode:

Krabaple: "You've trimmed the budget on everything; salaries, the food (takes a bite). I don't care what you say, I can taste the newspaper!"
Skinner: "Nonsense! Newspapers provied much-needed roughage and essential inks. Besides, you didn't even notice the old gym mats."
Lunchlady Doris: "There's very little meat in these gym mats."

one more (what the heck):
Marge: "And I'm going to keep teaching your class, Bart. Like it or lump it."
Bart: "Well. I guess I'll gust have to get into the crawlspace again! (goes)"
Marge: "I hate it when he gets in there. (begins beating on the wall with a broom)"

And, hey, since I'm on a roll:
Moe: "OK, when I call your name, you say, 'here.' Or, 'present.' No, 'present,' say, 'present.' OK, Um, Anita Bath?"
Kids: "hahahaha."
Moe: "Alright, alright, settle down, kids. Um, Mya Butreeks?"
Kids: "hahahahaha."
Moe: "Hey, what is it? What are you laughin' at? What? Oh, I get it. It's my big ears, isn't it kids?! Isn't it?! Well, children, I can't help that! (runs crying from the classroom)"

OOPS!! I almost forgot this one:

Guy (indicating bart): "That little boy is playing three games of chess at once!"
opponent 1: "Checkmate."
opponent 2: "Checkmate."
opponent 3: "Checkmate."
Bart: "Dang."

Kent Brockman: " Another local peasant has been found dead. Drained of his blood with two teeth marks on his throat. This black cape was found on the scene. [we see a picture of a cape reading "Dracula"] Police are baffled."

WIGGUM: "We think we're dealing with a supernatural being, most likely a mummy. As a precaution I've ordered the Egyptian wing of the Springfield museum destroyed. [we see Eddie throwing the Mona Lisa into a fire] Nice work, Eddie."

LISA: "They're wrong! The creature they seek is the walking undead: Nosferatu, Das Wampyr! [family stare blankly] A vampire!"

HOMER: "[chuckling] Lisa, Vampires are make-believe, just like Elves, Gremlins and Eskimos."

😀

I can’t believe nobody thought to post this one yet (especially me!)!

Homer: “Outa my way, Jerk Ass!”
Homer (humming the ‘Batman’ theme): Na na, na na, na na, na na, Fishing! Na na, na na, na na, na na, Fishing! Fishing, Fishing!”
Guy: “Hi. How are you?”
Homer (shushes the guy): “Fishing”
Woman: “It certainly is a beautiful day. We should thank The Leader.”
Homer: “Who the hell is that? Some kinda leader?”
Woman: “Yes. He’s the head of our perfect family. And when our galactic vehicle is complete, he will take us to our new home; Blisstonia.
Guy: “Why don’t you come chat with us about The Leader at the welcome center?”
Homer: “Will there be beer?”
Guy: “Beer is not allowed.”
Homer: “Homer no function beer well without.”
Woman: “Would you rather have beer? Or complete and utter contentment?”
Homer: “What kind of beer?”
Guy: “The Leader knows how miserable you, Marge, Lisa, Bart, and Maggie are.”
Homer: “Really? I’m surprised about Maggie.”
Guy: “Just come up and watch our orientation. You’re free to leave at any time.”
Homer: “Wow! A free movie, thanks! Outa my way, Jerk Ass!”

Originally posted by player420
I can’t believe nobody thought to post this one yet (especially me!)!

Homer: “Outa my way, Jerk Ass!”
Homer (humming the ‘Batman’ theme): Na na, na na, na na, na na, Fishing! Na na, na na, na na, na na, Fishing! Fishing, Fishing!”
Guy: “Hi. How are you?”
Homer (shushes the guy): “Fishing”
Woman: “It certainly is a beautiful day. We should thank ...[text shortened]... You’re free to leave at any time.”
Homer: “Wow! A free movie, thanks! Outa my way, Jerk Ass!”

From Homer the foodcritic:
Restaurantowner: Homer Simpson gave my food a bad review. So my friend put a dead horsehead in his bed while he was asleep. He ate the head and gave it a bad review.

From the "Poochie" epospde:

Homer: "Are we going on the air live?"
Lady who does the voices for Itchy and Scratchy: "No, Homer. Very few cartoons are broadcast live. It's very hard on the animators' wrists." 🙄

Agent Mulder (indicating Homer): "Why does he have to be on the treadmill."
Agent Scully: "I just want to see his fat jiggle. It's oddly hypnotic."
Agent Mulder (spacy): "Yeah. It's like a lava lamp."

Bart and Lisa watch "The Roger Meyers Story" in a stand-up movie
theater at "Itchy and Scratchy Land"
-- The narrator tells: "Roger Meyers senior, the gentle genius behind Itchy and Scratchy, loved
and cared about almost all the peoples of the world. And he, in turn,
was beloved by the world, except in 1938 when he was criticized for his
controversial cartoon, 'Nazi Supermen Are Our Superiors'."

🙄😀😲😏

Lisa: "To prolong the length of the show, I was secretly given anti-growth hormones."
Homer: "That's ridiculous. How could I possibly get all five necessary drops into her breakfast cereal?"

Marge: "They dictated everything. How we should dress, what we should wear, what clothes we should put on..."

Lisa: "Ahem, folks, we're just having a little family tiff. If you could just bare with us--"
Bart: "Oh, you shut up! I'm glad you make the least money!"
Lisa: "Oh, that is it!" (they fight)

Homer: "Success was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug was the drugs."