The Simpsons

Originally posted by haarlem
I'm not sure this one has been posted before (it should have):

Bill Clinton: when things don't go your way, just keep complaining untill they do.
Marge: That's a pretty lousy lesson.
Bill Clinton: Yeah, well I'm a pretty lousy president.

Let's hear it for Bill Clinton! He's Jimmy Carter with a Fox attitude!

(can't remember who said that...)

My Favorite quote is:

Scottish Guy (in background): Toytoytoytoytoytoy

That was the one episode where Ned Flanders meets A famous movie star (Her name escpes me)

TLM72🙄

I'm going to stop posting quotes every day. Not because I'm running out of quotes, but because I think it's getting old. I leave you with two quotes illustrating the wisdom of Homer:

Lisa: "mm-hmm. I think I'll go to bed now."
Bart: "What's wrong, Lis'?"
Lisa: "Nothing." (goes upstairs)
Homer: "Ho, ho, ho, you're in trouble."
Bart: "What do you mean?"
Homer: "When a woman says nothing's wrong, that means everything's wrong. And when a woman says everything's wrong, EVERYTHING's wrong. And when a woman says something's not funny, man, you'd better not laugh your ass off!"

Homer: "Now, Bart, when your sister gets home, I want you to make a big fuss over how great she looks."
Bart: "Are you kidding? She'll see through me like grandma's underpants!"
Homer: "Oh, that's where you're wrong, boy. When it comes to compliments women are ravenous, bloodsucking monsters always wanting more, MORE, MORE! And if you give it to them, they'll make it up to you."
Bart: "Like how?"
Homer (whispers): "I'll tell you when your older."
(Marge and Lisa walk in)
Homer: "Is that Lisa?! Somebody call heaven, there's an angel loose!"
Bart: "And who's your little school friend? Oh, wait (gasp) that's Mom!"
Marge and Lisa (flattered): "Oh, wow...oh!"
Marge: "I know two special guys who are going to get extra dessert tonight!" (they leave)
Homer and Bart: "Yes!"
Bart: "You know anything else about women, Dad?"
Homer: "No, that's it."

Homer when a test says he'll die at 42:I won't even live to see my children die!

Homer being chased tries to cross before a train. Marge: No Homer, you'll kill us all.
Homer: or die trying.

Sideshow Bob: "Homer, think carefully. Of all the people you have known, who might have reason to do you ill?"
Homer: "Hmm, well there's Mr. Burns, Fat Tony, the emperor of Japan, ex-president Bush..."
Marge: "...the late Frank Grimes..."
Homer: "...PBS, Stephen Hawking, the fat little Dixie Chick..."
Marge: "...and the state of Florida."

🙂
From the same episode

Bob: The trap is set. The killer will think this dummy is you out for an evening stroll. Then we lie in wait, like hungry Cassius on noble Caeser.
Homer: You're so smart. Shock him.
(Barts shocks Bob, looks back at Homer, Homer nods his head and Bart shocks him again.)
(Night falls and the trap is still whirring. Bob and the family poke their heads out of the bushes.)
Homer: Ooh, someone's coming!
(the family and Bob ducks down.)
Moe (beating the dummy with a baseball bat): Now who's the sociopath!? Huh!?
Homer: Moe! He's got a dark side I've never dreamed of.
Bob: Well, mystery solved. Wait a moment.
(Patty and Selma drive up and Patty throws a cinderblock at the dummy's head, tearing it off)
Patty: He's hurt! Go, go, go!
Marge: These are Homer's friends and family. They don't want him dead. They just want him to suffer.
Willy (driving a hoe into the dummy's back): Hi-ya!
Rev. Lovejoy (kicking the dummy's groin): Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Thank you, Lord. Ugh!
Homer (killing the dummy): Once I kill you, everyone will think I'm the real Homer! Heh, heh, heh, heh, heh.
Bob: None of this seems odd to you?
Marge: Meh.

Homer (trying to put his key in the ignition even though he's clearly too drunk): "I'm in no condition to drive. Wait a minute! I shouldn't trust my judgement; I'm drunk!" (drives away)

Just posting this to ensure this thread doesn't get removed. A top quality archive of quotes from the most consistently funny show on TV.

OK, my Short-Term memory is completely shot, so I don't know if I posted this quote already. But it's so funny that it's worth repeating:

Carl: "This could be a whole new direction for the Carl Crew."
Lenny: "The Carl Crew? I thought we were Lenny and the Jets!"
Moe: "No, no; you're both wrong. We're the Moe Syszlak Experience, Featuring Homer."

🙂

Homer: "Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon? "
Lisa:"No."
Homer: "Ham?"
Lisa: "No."
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: "Dad, those all come from the same animal."
Homer: "Heh heh heh. Ooh, yeah, right, Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal."

Mr. Burns: "I think I'll donate a million dollars to the local orphanage."
Smithers: "Really?"
Mr. Burns: "Yeah. When pigs fly."
(both laugh uproariously, until their laughter is stopped abruptly by a pig that flies conveniently through the sky)
Smithers: "Will you be donating that million dollars now, sir?"
Mr. Burns: "No, I'd still prefer not to."

Chief Wiggum: "This is Papa Bear. Put out an APB for a male suspect, driving a... car of some sort, heading in the direction of, uh, you know, that place that sells chili. Suspect is hatless. Repeat, hatless."


🙂

From one of the Halloween specials:

Homer: "Oh, Lisa, you and your stories. 'Bart is a vampire'. 'Beer kills brain cells.' Now let's go back to that..... building.... thingy.... where our beds and TV.... is."

Ralph: [whispering] "Lisa, what's the answer to number seven?"
Lisa: [whispering] "Sorry, Ralph. That would defeat the purpose of testing as a means of student evaluation."
Ralph: [pauses] "My cat's name is Mittens."

i just spent a half hour looking through all these quotes and wondering where the ones from the vegetarian episode were. and on the last page i find two of them. in my opinion that is the funniest episode ever.
" you don't win friends with salad, you don't win friends with salad"

anyway, to the 420 guy who knows them all, what about some funny quotes from the episode where homer tries to prevent apu's arranged marriage, that was another great one, but my memory isn't as good as yours.