Jokes

rearranging the deck chairs
on board the titanic
he ain't really doing much
but it's fun to watch the panic

My grandfather told me that he saw the Titanic
And that from the beginning he warned all the people that the ship would sink, but nobody listened to him.

He was a brave man. He did not give up. He warned them again and again on several occasions.... until they kicked him out of the cinema.

@phil3000 said
What do you call a Spaniard that has had his car stolen ?...Carlos
Spanish archer .....El bow

2 dead bodies in the middle of the road, 1 big rat, and 1 small lawyer. so how do you tell the difference?

There are skid marks in front of the rat, where the driver tried to stop!

me, before i had kids
"i will never lie to my children"

me, teaching my children
"eating candy after dark makes you poop spiders"

nothing quite like the horror of going to fetch the laundry from the line and noticing the cute lil bird sitting on my 30 year old rolling stones t-shirt

are you allowed to laugh out loud in hawaii,
or is it just a low ha?

i've tried
and tried
and tried to be canadian and i have failed at every eh? i utter

i'm sorry

i flunked my litmus test

if you drop yer phone in the toilet,
will it sync?

@rookie54
How does a baby awk fly when going to its mom?

Awkwardly......

wearing a mask has made me painfully aware of how often i pick my nose in public

Sargent Major to new recruit: 'I didn't see you at my camouflage class this morning Smithers !'
Smithers: 'Thank you Sir.'

i saw a craigslist ad for a radio
"$1 - volume stuck on full"

and i thought to myself,
"i can't turn this down"

My husband and I both work in IT, but he’s the one who truly lives, eats, and breathes computers. I finally realized how bad it had gotten when I was scratching his back one day. “No, not there,” he directed. “Scroll down.“